It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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