Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
