I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
