Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My vagina is officially offended.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
