Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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