So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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