its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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