if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
