her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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