I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
