i can't believe i had my finger in that
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
