standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
