I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
