A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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