Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
