areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
