i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
