God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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