I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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