Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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