dude i'm inner monologue high
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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