I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
