Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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