I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
