if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
