Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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