He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
