but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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