i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
