That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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