I just threw up on my dentist
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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