I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
