Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
