If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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