i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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