did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
This beer is not sobering me up at all
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
