dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
