when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
