She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
