ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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