i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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