Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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