a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
