I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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