I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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