sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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