Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
