I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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