Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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