How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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