How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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