I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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