he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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