I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
