did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
