I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
