Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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