so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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