I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
