did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
