Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
