I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm bleeding and have questions
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