I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
